letting go.

12/365

Yesterday was church then a 3rd birthday party. My friend had the genius idea to do it a little differently, and so we met at a place called Glazey Days. There was food, there was painting of little ceramic animals, there was cake and there had to be the obligatory party games. This experience opened up my eyes to some realities:

1. I really think I can pull off this self control malarky. I had thrown together a salad before heading off for church and wolved it down ate it before we got out the car. I eyed up the yummy food and cake and was able to pass on it (I was in the company of friends who knew why and understood). I love food. I love it so much. Sometimes I make lists in my mind of food that makes me happy. But I suppose my desire to not-look-pregnant-when-I’m-not outweighs my affection for food. I must really really want to be thin.

2. I really need to let go of the control. I stood behind my girls, hand hovering over their chubby little fingers, desperate to take over. My girls didn’t care that their frog and snail did not have eyes. I totally minded. They were ok with leaving patches unpainted. I was very much not ok about it. What on earth? Seriously. I should confess that I distracted them for moments while I grabbed another paintbrush and created the eyes. And patched over the white areas. My head is hanging in shame as I think about it. So what if their little animals were looking rather unconventional. Had I not been there I would have been over the moon with a piece of art that had been totally theirs. If I had been someone else I would have been watching her and trying to hide my amusement about the craziness. Because I’m all about letting the girls do their own thing. Or maybe I thought I was all about that. But lesson learnt. This mummy will back right off from now on. Eyeless ceramic animals or otherwise.

The husband asked if I wanted him to stay at home and put the girls to bed so I could go to church evening service. I really like being at the evening service. Something about it is more chilled out, more…I can’t put my finger on it. Raw? But it a kind of awesome way. All that’s there is all that matters. In truth it probably has a lot to do with the fact that when I am there, I’m there without my girls. It’s so important for us to be there in the morning with the girls, so they are growing up a part of this community that we love. But right now, it’s hard. It’s really hard. Ruby has one default volume setting and it isn’t quiet. Chloe decides that breakfast was not enough and she must eat throughout the whole time we’re there, starting the minute we find our seats. This is a season. And I’m (mostly) joyfully investing in it. But it’s ok that when I get to be selfish and sit there, not having to keep two little ducklings happy and fed and quiet, I revel in it. I appreciate it.

As it happens, what was said blew me away. God’s in charge, not me. I do my part and then it’s over to Him, how knows a bit more than me. I listened as the words float through my ears and into my heart. I need to let go of the control, quit putting unneccesary pressure on myself. Go figure.