school girl.

Is it really Wednesday already? I wish time would slow down, it’s making me dizzy.

Chloe has settled into school life now and we’re seeing a much happier little girl.

I do endure an hour of horrors each day when I pick her up. She’s grumpy, borderline cheeky and full attitude that would give an angry teenager a run for her money. Naively or not, I’m putting it down to an explotion of feelings building up from a day of new experiences. Nerves. Excitement. Caution. Shyness. Anticipation. Happiness. Frustration. Though I don’t enjoy it, I’m glad I’m a safe harbour for her to unleash this emotional cocktail on. And it really does just last an hour. If that. She get’s it out her system and then goodbye grumps, hello Chloe. Wierd. But then, look at her genes.

It’s tricky. A fine line which risks inevitable disaster. A balance to both discipline my child, steering her on right path, and lavishing love on her, soaking her in security.

I thought it would be so much simpler when one of them was at school.

Six on a Saturday.

So I’ve gotten in into a (good) habit of enjoying a bit of reflection on a Friday, looking back over the last week, picking out shiny nuggets of joy and looking to the week ahead.

There was a blank space on my blog yesterday where this should have been. We were out of the house from 8.00am till 7.00pm and by 8.00pm The Husband and I were on our way back out to meet up for a drink with some friends.

For my tardiness, I’ve upped my game and am exchanging my Five on a Friday for Six on a Saturday. Original I know.

Six thing’s I’ve things I’ve done this week that I can look back on and think it’s all been worth it:

1. Changing my bedroom furniture around (they say a change is a s good as a rest. This is my rest!).
2. Putting aside my stuff for a couple of hours to meet with a hurting friend (and hopefully helped, even if just marginally).
3. Spending all of today gutting the house, and managing to catch up with my nemesis, the family laundry basket.
4. Reconnecting with a couple of important friends, making all our busy worlds pause for just one evening.
5. Taking the girls (and The Husband) to our local waterpark and watching Chloe become a bit more comfortable in the water.
6. Keeping my sanity through all the busy.

20/365

Yep. This week was completely worth the leg work.

Six things I want to grow in over this next week:

1. Self confidence
2. Patience
3. Grace
4. Perspective
5. Organisation
6. Energy…?

How’s your week been? What are you looking forward to over the next seven days?

balance.

I knew this was coming. I could feel it. It crept up on me in my busyness and pounced when I was most tired. A creative block has come and smacked me in the head at full force. I have not taken a photograph for four days. I’m supposed to be taking a photo every day. One missed day would be frustrating enough. But no, I go for four. Granted, this week has been less pressured than last week but spare time is just so limited. I know it will get increasingly easier as I wear in my new daily routine through the week. And that knowledge is spurring me one.

Seriously, all creative juices have ceased to flow. I’m sitting staring at the screen but no words form in my mind. I’m not used to this. It feels uncomfortably unfamiliar. I push myself to pick up my camera, considering what I could capture through my lens. But all I think about is the pile of ironing in my bedroom cupboard. I think about what food we’ll eat tomorrow that we don’t yet have in the fridge. I think about Chloe’s packed lunch. I think about the jobs I didn’t get around to doing at work today that I’ll have to squeeze into my morning tomorrow. And I daren’t even begin to entertain thoughts like how long it’s been since I gave the bathroom a good clean and the film of dust that is beginning to cover my whole house.

How do you choose between the keep up of your home, investment time in your daughter, friends that need you and all the other errands that shout out to you throughout your day? With this question in mind it doesn’t surprise me that the first thing to slide is that time when I connect with my creative self, the space where I can be completely, unconditionally and unapologetically me. I can’t let this slide for long. It’s a part of who I am. An important part. Because a connected me means a connected mummy, a connected wife, a connected daughter and a connected friend.

So I continue on this journey of finding balance in my intoxicatingly full, colourful, wierd and wonderful world.

whats in a place?

18/365

We’re back home after a muchos enjoyable 24 hours of playing out. The Husband loved the staduim tour. I have to admit that it was nowhere near as boring as I thought it was going to be.

When we were taken out by the pitch, the tour guide directed our attention toward the stand they call the Kop. This, I was told, is the place to be for the atmosphere. It always has been. Once an all-standing section of the stadium, supporters would sway and cheer their team on shoulder to shoulder. It established an emotional connection between Liverpool fans and the Hillsborough Tragedy. In 1989, 96 Liverpool fans joined thousands of others at a semi-final match at Sheffield Wednesday. They were never to return home. Killed in a crush, the devastation shook the nation and brought about a ban on all-standing sections of football stadia. In 1994 the Kop became fully-seated yet the passion of the old stand, we’re told, lives on. Though I would wonder whether it is more that the passion of the team lives on through the supported rather than the stand itself, I understand that it’s symbolic. It’s what the stand represents. Take Liverpool fans out of the Kop and they would still sing for their team, but when they find themselves back in that stand it reminds them of their identiy in their team. I get that.

People often ask me as a twenty something in 2010 why I go to church.

I recently heard that statsitically, 7% of the British population go to church. Amongst twenty-somethings it is about 3%. Of that 3%, over half of them live in London. As someone outside of London, I am part of the ‘less than 1% of twnty-somethings’ who have anything to do with church. Why is that? I can’t account for anyone else. Just me.

I don’t call myself a Christian because I go to church. I go to church because I call myself a Christian. Church is made up of people, not bricks. Standing, shoulder to shoulder with others who believe the same as I believe as much as I believe, keeps my mind and my heart on what it’s all about. In a culture that is so driven by the next quick fix it’s hard not to be ditracted by the pursuit of self gratification. I find that hanging out with other Christians (in otherwords, being ‘church’) reminds me of my identity in the bigger picture. That’s not to say that we should close rank and hide away from a world that holds such a different set of values. Quite the contrary. But having each others’ back, keeping each other in check, working out our struggles and mistakes along the way, celebrating life together. That’s why I go to church..

And there goes another weekend. Just like that. This rain looks like it’s making itself comfortable, settling in for the autumn. I’m glad I grabbed my woolies out of the loft on Friday.

Here’s to week of calm, of little unexpected delights and maybe even odd moments to sit down and catch your breath.

19/365

Five on a Friday

17/365

Love is…sneaking off to get the right size ring when your wife is gutted her new purchase was too big.

He’s a good’n.

I found it pretty therapeutic last week looking back and finding what had been good from the week. So I’m going to do it again. In a week that has been pretty relentless, I will glean some good from it.

Five good things I’ve felt this week

1. Encouraged.
2. Determined.
3. Relieved.
4. Excited.
5. Love.

And all in different situatuations. The good is sneaking out now. I see it.

I make it sound like I’m sitting under a black cloud. I’m really not. Though it would have been ok if I had, we all get those weeks. I have just felt out of control, like someone slammed on the accelerator before I had a chance to grab the wheel.

This weekend could not have come at a better time.

Five things I’m looking forward to this weekend:
1. Have conversations with The Husband without being interrupted every ten seconds.
2. Watching the Husband’s face during the football stadium tour.
3. Eating food that I’ve not cooked myself.
4. Waking up Sunday morning of my own accord (I can’t say I look forward to a lie in, my body’s tuned in to early starts now. Nevertheless it’s good to doze and take it slow.
5. Snuggling and smelling my girls again when we pick them up Sunday afternoon.

Have a good weekend everyone x

for the love of all things selfish and irresponsible.

Friday how I love thee. I have longed for this day all week. Its been gruelling but The Steward Clan have survived, and all in tact. Bonus.

Not only is it Friday, Its that time of year again when The husband and I escape all grown up responsibility for 24 hours. We try to do this twice a year – once in the spring and once in the autumn. I made the rooky error of starting big last year with a trip to London – and on a budget that’s hard to beat. For a while I worried I’d set the bar high and all subsequent trips would be compared to our colourful capital. But then I figured, it’s more about time than location. Although a weekend in Venice would be nice…

This time around, in yet another way of commemorating The Husband’s 30th, we’re going to Liverpool. To the city of his other passion: football. He’s never done the stadium tour before and so that’s all booked, then its off to a nice hotel to r.e.l.a.x and enjoy not having to do what we normally have to do. There’s a hotel gym and so we’re taking our stuff to use it. The last time we did that, we walked in and hopped onto two treadmills next to each other. Five minutes later we walked back out again. Maybe we can manage ten minutes this time. I need to. It’s going to be my justification for eating whatever I want.

.A few months back I wrote about the mammoth job of packing for young children. About making lists of lists. And that didn’t even cover their clothes. But not this weekend. A weekend bag will do us. I love travelling light. It reminds me that its our selfish time. And we all need a little bit of selfish time to stock back up on the energy we need to be selfless all over again.

words.

Tonight I felt like a naughty school girl, pouring a glass of contraband wine. It’s the first I’ve allowed myself this week. So if I havn’t lost 10% of my body weight this week I’ll blame it all on this glass sitting before me.

It looked so beautiful that I may well have made it the subject of my day’s photograph. But I didn’t. I got a grip just in time.

I had a way better idea.

15/365

I love it when The husband gets his guitar out. I’ve been trying to encourage him to play more. Maybe I should put more effort into that rather than nagging.

For someone who spends much of her time writing, I can’t find the words to eloquently communicate just how powerful I feel encouragement is. It just is. I’ve written about words before. About how they stay with you. Stick and stones…What a load of rubbish. I’d take a whack with a stick before a harsh gesture any day.

I remember when I was just getting to know a beautiful Friend, A. We’d met for breakfast together with our husbands one saturday morning and then had gone our separate ways. Later that day the phone rang and it was A. She called just to tell me that she really liked the colour I’d dyed my hair. That she thought it made me look really great. Just for that. There was no “by the way can I borrow…”. Just good, affirming words.

Why don’t we do that more? We’re scared that people will think less of us? Who’s going to complain about that? It’s a like a good warm verbal hug. That makes people feel like they’re walking on air.

This last week I’ve heard from two old friends, and it’s been too long since we saw both of them and their families. These two people, pretty brilliant in their own rights, dropped me a line to encourage me in my writing. For them it was just a random nice thought put into action. Little did they know that this week I’d need that creative push more than ever. It’s been a bit of a slog because everyday life has taken over and consumed my thinking space. It’s only been when I’ve thought of these two friends and their kind and wonderful words, that I’ve pushed through the barrier, cleared(ish) my mind and tried to convey some some thoughts through the keyboard.

Guys, words matter. They linger. Good or bad. Let’s make them good.

creative block.

Sometimes my days are filled with the new and the exciting. Sometimes my days are filled with routine. Yesterday was a lot like the latter. I Didn’t stop for a second but it was all stuff that had to be done. This left me very uninspired and sleepy to take my daily photograph. So I shot what I was thinking about.

13/365

I’m either really dense or this takes some getting your head around. Or maybe I’m just too used to walking to the fridge and absent-mindedly eating whatever is nearest to the front. I was emailing a few girlfriends about this. Monitoring what and how much I eat has made me so aware of what I’m not eating. I didn’t realise how much I took food for granted. It just so available. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s wrong to have food. I just appreciate the vast availability of food we enjoy an whole lot more now.

I have to say that today has been just as uncreative. I did buy a toilet seat. Maybe I should have taken a photo of that. After the school run, I was watching my four year old and it hit me how much she’s growing up.

14/365

She’s been trying to teach Ruby how to find the Cbeebies channel on TV. She tells her little sister that its easy, you just press this button, then that one, then that one. Only because she’s just figured it out herself. This is a pretty low key example but It’s pretty mind blowing the information processing that goes on in early childhood. They just soak it all up at their leisure. The husband’s explanations of something simply often receive bank looks.

Right, it’s time to stop doing all things but sprawl on the sofa for a while before I crawl into bed. I might even think of some half creative photos to take over the next few days.

letting go.

12/365

Yesterday was church then a 3rd birthday party. My friend had the genius idea to do it a little differently, and so we met at a place called Glazey Days. There was food, there was painting of little ceramic animals, there was cake and there had to be the obligatory party games. This experience opened up my eyes to some realities:

1. I really think I can pull off this self control malarky. I had thrown together a salad before heading off for church and wolved it down ate it before we got out the car. I eyed up the yummy food and cake and was able to pass on it (I was in the company of friends who knew why and understood). I love food. I love it so much. Sometimes I make lists in my mind of food that makes me happy. But I suppose my desire to not-look-pregnant-when-I’m-not outweighs my affection for food. I must really really want to be thin.

2. I really need to let go of the control. I stood behind my girls, hand hovering over their chubby little fingers, desperate to take over. My girls didn’t care that their frog and snail did not have eyes. I totally minded. They were ok with leaving patches unpainted. I was very much not ok about it. What on earth? Seriously. I should confess that I distracted them for moments while I grabbed another paintbrush and created the eyes. And patched over the white areas. My head is hanging in shame as I think about it. So what if their little animals were looking rather unconventional. Had I not been there I would have been over the moon with a piece of art that had been totally theirs. If I had been someone else I would have been watching her and trying to hide my amusement about the craziness. Because I’m all about letting the girls do their own thing. Or maybe I thought I was all about that. But lesson learnt. This mummy will back right off from now on. Eyeless ceramic animals or otherwise.

The husband asked if I wanted him to stay at home and put the girls to bed so I could go to church evening service. I really like being at the evening service. Something about it is more chilled out, more…I can’t put my finger on it. Raw? But it a kind of awesome way. All that’s there is all that matters. In truth it probably has a lot to do with the fact that when I am there, I’m there without my girls. It’s so important for us to be there in the morning with the girls, so they are growing up a part of this community that we love. But right now, it’s hard. It’s really hard. Ruby has one default volume setting and it isn’t quiet. Chloe decides that breakfast was not enough and she must eat throughout the whole time we’re there, starting the minute we find our seats. This is a season. And I’m (mostly) joyfully investing in it. But it’s ok that when I get to be selfish and sit there, not having to keep two little ducklings happy and fed and quiet, I revel in it. I appreciate it.

As it happens, what was said blew me away. God’s in charge, not me. I do my part and then it’s over to Him, how knows a bit more than me. I listened as the words float through my ears and into my heart. I need to let go of the control, quit putting unneccesary pressure on myself. Go figure.

a stolen moment.

11/365

It must be love.